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A Facebook Guide to the Essential Kergan

This was developed thanks to Facebook, as “25 Random Things” was one of the periodic games people circulate.  A friend, Joe Lupariello, had sent me his list, which was simply terrific — funny, smart, and touching.  Reading his in turn spurred my creativity, and I published this on Thursday, January 29, 2009.

25 random things about me…

1. One of my happiest childhood memories is of my sister and I building a courtroom, complete with witness stand, and putting our baby sitter in it, on trial for being the worst sitter ever. She never returned.

2. While visiting Segovia, Spain, my now-ex proposed to me while walking in the woods beneath the beautiful castle. Before I could even answer, I was hit with an immediate case of diarrhea, with no bathroom around. I should have taken that as the sign that it was…

3. I cast and directed Jack Black in his first two plays at UCLA, where no one else had yet recognized his talent. To me, he’ll always be that 18 year-old little stoner kid.

4. When I want to cry, I watch “Men Don’t Leave.”

5. In high school, one of my best friends got in trouble for dying a hot pink arrow in her short black hair. In protest, my friend David Diaz and I sprayed our hair bright colors for the day with temporary, washable spray. We were such rebels…

6. One of my first professional acting jobs was in a 1981 t.v. movie called “Fallen Angel” starring child star Dana Hill. She played a young innocent lured into the dangerous world of child porn by Richard Masur. At 16, I was so excited to be making a movie! I got to get out of school and shoot at a pinball arcade in the Valley. And in my “big scene”, they shot me playing a pinball game, just behind Dana, who was seated in an auto racing game. Thus, in the shot, due to the angle, you basically have my butt just behind and to the right of Dana’s head. Probably the finest acting of ass cheeks in a t.v. movie that entire year.

7. As a child, more than once, I made a pig of myself at Farrell’s.

8. Years ago, I wrote a mass “coming out” letter, appealing to people to donate to the annual L.A. AIDS Walk, and sent it to over 200 people, everyone I knew–including my parent’s bridge partners.

9. A few years later, unrelated and yet related, my parents sent out their annual Christmas letter, writing the following: “This year, our son moved into a new apartment and likes his job very much.”*

*Please note they do not mention: A) my name, as I had formally changed it and they were none too pleased; B) that I actually moved in with a BOYFRIEND; and C) that I worked at AIDS Project Los Angeles. But other than that–pretty complete, don’t you think?

10. I make a home-cooked meal 5 nights s a week for my three amazing boys (sons Mason and Marcus, and hubby Russ).

11. While a Production Assistant on a low budget flick called “Blood & Concrete: A Love Story”, I was originally supposed to ferry star Billy Zane to/from the set in my car. However, he was so upset when he saw my bright yellow VW bug that he refused to ride in it. Thus, I got stuck picking up Jennifer Beals every day. Despite my best efforts, she wouldn’t talk to me, more than just to say “hello” or “goodbye.” On one day, we shot out in Lancaster, so for over an hour each way, we rode in absolute and utter silence, as my radio was broken. Thanks for the memories, Jen!

12. For many years, in my youth, I held the O.C. record for the breast stroke in my age group.

13. Today, under my jeans, I am wearing lovely silk panties.

14. On the day I turned 30, I admitted my partner Shane into the hospital, where he died two weeks later.

15. On the day I turned 35, when my son Mason was 3 months old, I was changing his diapers when he suddenly had projectile poop, which landed on a space heater and burst into flames.

16. I focus daily on being more peaceful and loving, only to be drawn back by my sarcastic and cynical nature.

17. Twice while auditioning for agents, I was prodded towards “the casting couch.” In both cases, I resisted, but was so shaken and upset that the emotions haunted me for days…

18. I have written seven screenplays, all of which remain unsold. And of those 7, two of them are actually good. (Editor’s Note:  Both are available for download —  Wish Me on My Way and How I Saved Christmas.)

19. In college, I did a print ad for “Today Condoms” (no, I WASN’T nude!), which ran in numerous national magazines for several months. On campus, people would occasionally point me out as the “Condom Guy.”

20. Also in college, I acted in a play in which I WAS nude, for the entire show. In one scene, I am being blown by the playwright, Michael Sargent, and in another, he was preparing to enter me. That was the only show I didn’t invite my parents to…

21. As a kid, I loved the Partridge Family so much that I’d coerce all of my friends into putting on shows for our parents (I was always “Keith”), and even joined the David Cassidy fan club. I was so happy when I opened the mail to find my “Life-size, Kissable Poster” of David!

22. For several years I played youth soccer, and on one team, this guy Kurt harassed me endlessly for being “a fag.” He terrorized me so much that I would do anything possible to avoid running into him and his cronies. Shortly after graduating High School, Kurt hung himself, because he himself was gay and filled with self-loathing…

23. I am more than 200 pages into writing my first novel, but can’t seem to find the time to finish it. (Perhaps I should rethink the time I spend filling out lists and requesting friends on Face Book?–Nah!)  (Editor’s Note:  This novel, Songs for the New Depression, is now complete.)

24. Number 13 is not true.

25. I am incredibly sentimental and emotional, but rarely let people in to see that side of me.

And, a bonus, since number 13 is untrue:

26. For my 40th birthday, Russ took me to NYC for the most amazing weekend. We saw one of my idols, Jessica Lange, in “Glass Menagerie”, and another idol, Betty Buckley, at the Café Carlyle. Both were phenomenal. During Betty’s show, we were seated directly in front of her, and she laughed and flirted with us, pointing out to the audience how spiffy we looked in our suits. Following the show, I went up to tell Betty how divine she was, and also to tell her that we had a friend in common, who used to be Betty’s assistant. When I mentioned the woman’s name, Betty turned on me, insisting that she didn’t know my friend, and that this woman was obviously CRAZY. I gently tried to extract myself, murmuring pleasantries, but Betty went on, becoming infuriated and kind of psychotic, insisting that “I don’t know this person! She’s crazy–Crazy I tell you!!!” I was mortified, and left as graciously as I could. To have one’s idol turn on you and shower you with such invective… Well, as Russ likes to point out, it is a good thing we didn’t run into Jessica! Who knows what kind of mask would’ve been pulled away there?

3 Responses

  1. Richard Sneed

    Kergan: As far as I know, I don’t have a website. I loved this piece, and am interested in anything you write. What you write is so honest, even though you seem to hold back,but maybe that is my imagination. Keep me posted with anything you write. I just enjoy what I have read. Trust Mason and Marcus are doing fine. They couldn’t have better parents. If they are in their terrible teens, you will remember yr own teens (or at least I recall mine) as an impossible person who thought he was right about everything and greatly resisted and resented disapproval from authority figures like parents. I realize now that takes different forms in different families, but my parents weathered the adolescent storm and we became close in my twenties and forward. Looking back, I see that it was a war for independence that takes different forms in different families. My brother next in age to me (16 mos. younger) never had this kind of battle, but he had other battles going on internally, which he eventually was able to disengage from. Etc.

    Do keep in touch, and come see us when you can. Love to you and Russ and Mason & Marcus!
    Did I tell you that I was adopted? I have forgotten. Mother had tried for 7 years to have children. No luck at all. So I was adopted, and bingo! Sixteen months later she delivered my brother Earl and proceeded to have another four children in the next 10 years. So there are six of us (one sister). Love and the best, Richard

    August 4, 2011 at 4:15 pm

  2. Rebeccca Reynolds-Johnson

    I was trying to say at the end…your writing is wonderful and the wonderfulness never ends!

    May 28, 2011 at 3:41 pm

  3. Rebeccca Reynolds-Johnson

    K: You always make me laugh! Number 15 is too hooty and I wish I had been there for Number 26! New York will almost always produce some kind of “out-there” experience…that’s why I love it so much. Thanks for the laughs and your never-ending wonderful writing! xoxo

    May 28, 2011 at 3:39 pm

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